I was asked in class today to write an exercise and this was the final product. I know it doesn’t have much to do with the topic of suicide or depression, but I feel as though it could reach out to others who have felt similarly to this in the past or are currently feeling this way.
I was once told that everything in this life happens for a reason. That, if you were to go back in time and change just one little thing, it would throw off the whole balance of the universe. I’ve always wondered if this was true. It seems nearly impossible that one small change in my history would actually change the way the world works. I was contemplating that this morning as I sat and watched the sun rise on the ocean. There I was, just this tiny little speck on the beach, not making a single sound or movement but simply taking in the morning air and contemplating all that had happened in my life. If I could go back and change any one thing in my life, would I? I don’t think that’s a question I can safely answer.
There are many things I’d love to change, but just one? No. Too hard. If I could go back in time and take away my mom’s cancer, I would in a heartbeat. But I’d also take back all the fights I had with Luke, or make it so that he never would have killed himself. If I could go back and change one thing,I wouldn’t have fought with my sisters over petty things. If I could go back in time and change one thing, would I? The answer would have to be no because I would change everything.
The person that I am today is not someone that I’m proud of. I have let other people’s past decisions ruin my life. I have stopped living my life for the past eight months because my boyfriend died and my mom got cancer…I allowed myself to blame the world and sit back and mope. I don’t like who I am, but this is what I have to live with. The only decision I can make from here on out is to accept the person that I am; accept the life that I’ve been given. Someone once said that we were given this life because we were strong enough to live it; it’s time that I finally realize I am stronger than I believe. I need to start believing in myself, once that happens, my life can begin again.
Life is a peculiar thing. It throws curveballs, gives you love and then rips it away. It will give you the most crippling sadness you have ever had to endure, and then the next day gives you something to smile about. It’s not going to be easy, but that’s what makes it worth it.