About briannadalej

In the American society, many subjects are considered taboo and we are taught at a young age not to talk about them. Two of these topics are depression and suicide. I wanted to give people a place to talk openly about this subject and delve into why this topic is not talked about and what can be done to help raise awareness.

Another Year Passes

When I think of you I still picture a young man; it’s how I’ve preserved you in my head. I picture the smile that stretched across your face, the sound of your laugh, the feeling of your hand in mine. I picture you as you were.

Twenty-eight. That’s how old you would have been today and, as hard as I try, I can’t seem to wrap my head around that fact.

Who would you have been? Where would you be? Would you have looked the same? Sounded the same? Would you still be drawing or onto another lifestyle?

Us

We had created this little routine for your birthday; I would have made some comment to you about being so old today (“Almost 30?!”) and you would have laughed and made fun of me for being young. It was small and sarcastic but it was ours and I loved it. I’ve been replaying your last birthday we spent together over and over in my head. When I walked through the door, you picked me up and wouldn’t let me go right away. We laughed, we grilled, we binge-watched SVU, and we spent as much time together as we could. That’s the last birthday memory I’ll ever have of you.

Birthdays are my favorite. Mostly because I know how important they are. I’ve had enough people in my life die for me to learn how precious this life is and to celebrate each year that passes. But today, I’m not in the celebrating mood. Your birthday is a reminder of what I’ve lost. And that each year that passes, I grow another year older than you.

Today, I can’t stop picturing your smile. It’s not often that I remember you that way so I’ll take it as a sign and I’ll celebrate and remember you today.

Happy birthday, Luke.

Five Years

Five years. 1,825 nights. Days, months, and years that I stumbled through this world wondering what I was doing without you.

Have you ever lost something you loved? Maybe it was your comfort blanket when you were little, an important essay in college or maybe, you’re like me, and you’ve lost someone you’ve loved.

I typically hate using the word “lost” for someone dying, but for a long time, that’s how I felt about Luke. I felt like I had this amazing person and I was just wandering through this life trying to find him again. It took me three years to realize that wasn’t going to happen. And when that realization set it, in hurt like hell. If I’m being honest, it still does.

After my mom died, I would wake up each day and repeat this thought to myself before I even let myself sit upright, “Your mom is dead. She will never come back.” And for a long time after Luke died, I had to remind myself that he was gone as well. The realization of it setting in later in the day was enough to cripple me.

I don’t have to remind myself of either of these things anymore. I’m aware these two important people are no longer in my life but it never fails that on important days -anniversaries, birthdays, holidays – my mind will wander back to the days that I lost these two.

I was on my way to work today as my mind began to drift and I could feel the heat of the asphalt under my knees and it was like I was back in that parking lot five years ago as I heard the words from Cheryl that Luke was dead. I can remember my world spinning and feeling sick to my stomach. I remember grabbing the rail in the parking lot as I called my mom to tell her the news knowing that, without something to steady me, I would fall back to my knees again. I can remember the numbness that continued for weeks, months, and years after Luke died. After the numbness subsided, the pain set in, and I can still feel that today. But for the life of me, I cannot remember the last words I said to him.

Did I tell him I loved him? Did I remind him how much he meant to me? I want to believe I did, knowing that it wouldn’t have changed the outcome.

Technology reminded me that 5 years and 1 day ago I posted the lyrics to Sunrays and Saturdays on my Facebook page. As soon as I saw it, I knew I had aimed that message at Luke, back then, that’s what I did. And it’s a very fitting song.

“Open the window/ Let the sunset in/If only for the last time/Let me see you smile again.”

I’m all too guilty of saying the wrong things at the wrong times, or just saying hurtful things in general, it’s something that I’m working on. But, if you’re reading this, please heed this advice and always tell the people you care most about that you love them. You never know when, or if, you’ll get another chance to do so.

BL

 

Give Me a Stick

My sister shared this with me today from Post Secret’s Facebook page and it really resonated with me, so I felt compelled to share.

PS

For those of you passing out sticks, thank you. For those of you asking for them, your fight is worth it.

 

We Must Tell The Truth

DepressionHow many times a day do you tell a lie? And yes, we’re counting the little white lies. Once? Twice? Maybe you’re a better person than I am and you don’t tell a single lie in a day. But I’m going to bet that, more often than not, we all tell at least one.

What if I told you that someone took a moment in their life, probably one of the biggest moments in their life to date, and told the truth when it would have been So. Much. Easier. to tell a lie.

A friend of mine passed along an article to me today and I can’t stop thinking about.

A woman wrote her sister’s obituary. Let me stop right there and say that’s a much more difficult task than you might think. I went to journalism school & was taught to stick to the cold, hard facts when it came to obituaries. Know what we didn’t cover in school? How to handle a suicide. I can tell you it was hard enough writing my mom’s obituary and she died from cancer, something that is much more well-received than a suicide is. Not only did this woman write her sister’s obituary but she came out and told her sister’s story the way it played out IRL.

Aletha Meyer Pinnow, 31, of Duluth, formerly of Oswego and Chicago, Ill., died from depression and suicide on Feb. 20, 2016.

Eleni chose a time when her and her family were hurting. She could have chosen to discuss this matter at a later date or speak out about suicide and depression when their hearts weren’t so raw. But she didn’t. Instead, she started a conversation & asked others to join in too.

And that is something that I have so much respect for. I urge you to read this article.

Depression lies, but we can tell the truth.

 

New Chapter

Life is unpredictable.

I wish I could count the number of times I’ve reminded myself of this over the years, but I stopped counting when I was 16.

Life is complicated.

I learned long ago to not put too much stake into any one person because, at any moment, they could be removed from your life. I tried keeping a safe distance from most of the people in my life for fear that they would leave my life (read: die).

Love doesn’t care.

I kept people at an arm’s length most of the time. And then I fell in love. My walls broke down. I started planning a future.

I broke my own rules.

And I ended up crushed. I planned a future with a person who left me behind. Now don’t think I’m blaming him, because I’m not. I understand why he made the decisions he did. I’m okay now. But for a very long time, I wasn’t.

I swore off love and men and relationships. I promised I’d never marry and the only men left in my life were close friends and my dad. No one else was allowed in my life.

And then, again, I was reminded that life is unpredictable.

This post has been a long time coming. I’ve tried writing it before but failed until I read this article that my sister sent me and it really hit home.

My story is not her story. Luke and my story was never set in motion; we never really had the time. And I won’t refer to two of the greatest loves of my life as “before” and “after” because that doesn’t work for my story. But her article really resonated with me.

I’m in love and it’s okay. It’s actually more than okay.

After Luke died I read Eat, Pray, Love and it was perfect for that point in my life. One quote that really stood out to me was Elizabeth Gilbert’s explanation of soulmates.

“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.
A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.”

Luke was my soulmate for my younger self. He taught me to stick up for myself, be proud of my accomplishments, and speak up when I don’t agree with something. Those were the lessons I needed at that point in my life. I grew so much in the years we were together. But his story ended and mine needed to continue.

I have a new soulmate for this chapter of my life. He’s patient, sarcastic, witty, and cares unconditionally for people. He allows me to grieve when I need to – over friends I’ve lost, my mom, or even Luke – he’s sat with me on the floor of our apartment when I had a much-needed crying session. He’s great.

And he’s totally unexpected.

He came into my life the summer that Luke left and my mom was diagnosed. It was the perfect storm of a summer in my life. I was newly 21 and didn’t really know how to handle anything that life was throwing my way. But over that summer a friendship grew. We talked about traveling and dreams and what goals we wanted to accomplish in life. Over the years the friendship remained strong even when he was on the other side of the country. And then, to come full circle, on a summer night everything about our friendship changed. We crossed a barrier that couldn’t be uncrossed and my head was reeling.

I didn’t know what this meant.

I had some very torturous nights going back in forth in my head about my future self and my past self. I didn’t know what to do. And I didn’t want to leave Luke behind.

But as Michelle wrote, you don’t leave a love behind, “Once you love someone they stay with you forever as a piece of your soul.” Luke was, and always will be, a part of my soul. But Adam is a part of my future.

Adam and I have had many conversations about Luke and I’ve come to find that Adam has some fairly strong feelings about my past. He should. When Luke died I fell apart and, for someone who now loves me to have seen that, I’m sure it brings up some heated emotions. But Adam respects the role that Luke played in my life and, if these unexpected life events hadn’t played out the way they did, maybe there would never have been an “us.”

Years ago I sat with sweaty palms across the room from Luke’s mom to tell her about this new man in my life. I was so nervous. And she was so gracious. She was happy for me and I was a little taken aback. My mind went back to a conversation we had before I got my tattoo for Luke. During the period of my life when I had sworn off men and was sure I’d never love again. She warned me not to get it because I was young and I would fall in love again someday and maybe that person would be upset by my tattoo, but I explained to her that any man that was worthy of being in my life would understand the importance of Luke in my life and would understand the tattoo.

And he does.

I am moving forward in my life with fewer glances back as the days, months, and years pass. I’m more focused on my future now than I ever have been. I take time to reflect on the past every now and then and the people who have left my life cross my mind often but when that happens it’s in a positive way and I’m not pining to go back in time.

Life is unexpected. But so is love. My story is nothing like I thought it would be but I’m happy with where I’m at and how things have turned out. I fully believe that, without these life experiences, I wouldn’t be able to love as deeply as I can now.

And I wouldn’t trade that for the world.

Winter

 

Sometimes It’s the Little Things

I came across this self-care card on Facebook today and it really struck a chord with me. Sometimes, life can be this big, scary, overwhelming thing that we start to believe we can’t handle. A project at work, combined with weight gain, financial stress or a fight with a loved one can all snowball into a giant nightmare that we think we can’t handle. But we can.

Sometimes all you need is to take 5 minutes out of your day to relax, focus on yourself and then re-examine the task(s) at hand.

My challenge for you today, even if you’re feeling great about yourself is this: Complete one of the steps on this self-care card, take a couple of minutes to do something special for yourself and then share it with someone who you feel could really benefit from this. We all have tough days, some worse than others, but it’s important to remember that you really are stronger than you think.Copyright Sinope (eponis.tumblr.com), 2015.

Holidays

http://blog.cookingchanneltv.com/2012/11/13/easy-thanksgiving-table-decorating-ideas/Holidays.

For many the thought of bright lights, tables overflowing with food and family come to mind.

For others thoughts of loneliness, desertion and heartache come to mind.

I’m a combination of both.

Three years ago, after celebrating Thanksgiving with my family, giving thanks for my mom’s health and time spent with family, my mom was hospitalized and died shortly after. Before my mom died I associated Thanksgiving with the death of my high school best friend. While others were excited for time away from school/work, food and time to see cousins who live far away my mind was on the people that I lost. Thanksgiving for me is one of the hardest times of the year. But it wasn’t always this way.

I grew up in a family where holidays were everything; we had decorations for every miniscule holiday and made food weeks in advance to the actual holiday. Growing up I loved holidays but now I find myself dreading them; I count the days until they’re over and life can go back to normal.

Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s a great time to reflect on all that you have and are thankful for this past year, but try to remember that some people are only able to think of the hurt that this time of year brings around.

This holiday season I challenge you to reach out to someone you haven’t talked to in a long time or someone you think may really be struggling this season. Tell them how much they mean to you and that they’re appreciated because, for many people, the holidays can be some of the loneliest times of the year.

 

Postpartum Depression

This subject keeps popping up in my life this past week. First, with news that someone in my life was suffering with this issue and then again today when I heard the news of actress Hayden Panettiere seeking treatment for her postpartum depression. So, I felt inclined to educate myself and write about this.

As a woman who is not a parent, I will be the first to admit that I had minimal knowledge about this type of depression. While I understood it was real and affected many new moms out there, I didn’t know how broad the spectrum of this really was.

There are two issues many moms deal with after having a baby:

  1. The “baby blues”
  2. Postpartum depression

The “baby blues”

Being a blonde hair, blue-eyed female, people have approached me throughout my life talking about my bright “baby blues” (referring to my eyes). While this is being used in a semi-creepy but lighthearted way, the term which we’re about to discuss is very serious.

The “baby blues” are a mild form of depression and mood swings that occur post-baby; it’s been noted that up to 80% of new mothers experience this. Instead of celebrating their new baby, the mom may feel like crying. The “blues”, as they’re referred to, are spoken of as a part of becoming a new mom and are caused by hormonal changes after birth. These symptoms often occur shortly after giving birth and can last up to a few weeks.

I feel for anyone experiencing this. Not only is that individual expected to care for another human being now but they’re also faced with something that might make a simple task, like getting out of bed, difficult.

However, I have an issue with this term. “Baby blues”, to me, implies that this is not taken seriously; that this is just a hormonal issue that new moms experience post-birth. While this, in fact, may just be a stage in that woman’s life referring to it as the “blues” seems demeaning. It’s just as bad as telling anyone with a form of depression that they just have a case of the blues and will get over.

Too bad it’s not that simple.

Postpartum Depression

Postpartum depression can often look like the “baby blues” but is often more serious, according to some sources, and differentiating between the two may be difficult.

The symptoms make look the same between the “blues” and PPD but the main difference in the two is often the severity of the symptoms and the amount of time these symptoms last. Postpartum does not always arise initially after giving birth; it can take some women days or weeks to begin feeling these and can last months. If the symptoms have lasted longer than 2 weeks, it’s probably a good idea to get you, or your loved one, in to see a doctor.

Signs & symptoms to look out for are:

  • Mood swings
  • Anxiety
  • Sadness
  • Irritability
  • Feeling overwhelmed
  • Crying
  • Reduced concentration
  • Appetite problems
  • Trouble sleeping

In Panettiere’s appearance on “Live! With Kelly and Michael” she said:

It’s [Postpartum depression] something that needs to be talked about. Women need to know that they’re not alone, and that it does heal … There’s a lot of people out there that think that it’s not real, that it’s not true, that it’s something that’s made up in their minds, that ‘Oh, it’s hormones.’ They brush it off. It’s something that’s completely uncontrollable. It’s really painful and it’s really scary and women need a lot of support.

Health.com

Postpartum depression. Image from Health.com

Moms have a special place in my heart. I applaud the women who choose to sacrifice their bodies and their lives to bring another human into this world. But it’s important for the rest of us to look out for these women, too.

I’m thankful for the people who are willing to open up and talk about their depression. This week, I was challenged to educate myself and I encourage you to do the same.

We’ll See You Tomorrow

World Suicide Prevention Day.

Four years ago, September 10 took on a whole new meaning. Every year I stop and reflect on my life, the lives of those I love, and I think about how grateful I am to still be here. And I light a candle for those who are no longer here.

I think about Luke and the life we missed out on. I think about the stories I’ve heard through the creation of this blog over the past four years. I run down the list of names I’ve heard and say a prayer for all of those who’s stories I haven’t heard.

Last year I added another name to that list: Shawn. This was my current boyfriend’s uncle – he was 19 when he took his life. Two weeks ago, I took the time to sit down with his mom and we talked about the stigma that surrounds the topic of suicide. Decades have passed since his death and, although some progress has been made, it’s not enough.

The topic of suicide scares people. Rightfully so. But just because it scares you doesn’t mean you should avoid it. People often think that, if they don’t talk about it, they can pretend that it’s not happening. Or, if it’s not talked about, ideas aren’t given to the individuals who might attempt or complete suicide. But that’s not the case. Suicides are happening. All around us. 800,000 people die each year due to suicide. This isn’t an issue that can be swept under the rug any longer.

So my challenge for you today is this: Take action. Talk about what today means. Share with someone that today is World Suicide Prevention Day. Share my blog, add a TWLOHA link on your social media sites, or share resources for someone to reach out to if they are depressed or suicidal.

Don’t let this day, or any day for that matter, pass you by without trying to make a difference.

#WorldSuicidePreventionDay

#WorldSuicidePreventionDay