What does depression feel like? I received an email and was asked this question the other day. That’s a loaded question and, for everyone, it’s different. For me, it has felt like the end of everything; being numb to anything and everything. Sometimes wanting to feel something, being aware that there are no emotions packed deep down inside, and worrying that it will stay this way forever.
Have you ever walked through a dark tunnel or road at night all by yourself? It’s just you and the darkness pressing in all around you. When you speak out loud your voice echoes and, maybe, you can hear the faint sounds of someone in the distance, but you see no sign of anyone around you. You think that, if you can just get to the end of the road, you’ll see you’re not really alone. Eventually, you know the darkness has to end and give way to light, but the longer and further you walk, the more afraid you get that maybe you were wrong. Maybe darkness only gives way to darkness. That, to me, is what depression feels like.
When I was little I would go swimming, I would always try to swim the length of the pool completely underwater. The only problem is that I had terrible lung capacity, so I never made it that far. Most times, as I was swimming to the top, just seconds before my head would break the surface of the water, my lungs would feel like they were on fire. I’d go into a panic worried that, maybe, I wouldn’t make it to the surface in time. My heart would race and it would feel like pins and needles in my arms and legs while I broke into the world again, gasping for air. When I was at my lowest, there were days I would have begged to feel something so real again.
Over the course of the past three years I’ve had the opportunity to talk with so many different people, ranging from people that I’ve known for years, to complete strangers. Hearing someone’s story about their life, their struggles, their success and frustration, that, for me, is one of the greatest things about this life. Listening to people who, maybe, wouldn’t have been heard otherwise. I have worried about people I’ve never met and sat shaking at my computer as I wrote down my own story. As I wrap up another year I am grateful for an outlet and for the opportunity to speak with so many amazing people. I hope 2015 brings everything you need, but mostly, I hope it brings you happiness.