New Chapter

Life is unpredictable.

I wish I could count the number of times I’ve reminded myself of this over the years, but I stopped counting when I was 16.

Life is complicated.

I learned long ago to not put too much stake into any one person because, at any moment, they could be removed from your life. I tried keeping a safe distance from most of the people in my life for fear that they would leave my life (read: die).

Love doesn’t care.

I kept people at an arm’s length most of the time. And then I fell in love. My walls broke down. I started planning a future.

I broke my own rules.

And I ended up crushed. I planned a future with a person who left me behind. Now don’t think I’m blaming him, because I’m not. I understand why he made the decisions he did. I’m okay now. But for a very long time, I wasn’t.

I swore off love and men and relationships. I promised I’d never marry and the only men left in my life were close friends and my dad. No one else was allowed in my life.

And then, again, I was reminded that life is unpredictable.

This post has been a long time coming. I’ve tried writing it before but failed until I read this article that my sister sent me and it really hit home.

My story is not her story. Luke and my story was never set in motion; we never really had the time. And I won’t refer to two of the greatest loves of my life as “before” and “after” because that doesn’t work for my story. But her article really resonated with me.

I’m in love and it’s okay. It’s actually more than okay.

After Luke died I read Eat, Pray, Love and it was perfect for that point in my life. One quote that really stood out to me was Elizabeth Gilbert’s explanation of soulmates.

“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.
A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.”

Luke was my soulmate for my younger self. He taught me to stick up for myself, be proud of my accomplishments, and speak up when I don’t agree with something. Those were the lessons I needed at that point in my life. I grew so much in the years we were together. But his story ended and mine needed to continue.

I have a new soulmate for this chapter of my life. He’s patient, sarcastic, witty, and cares unconditionally for people. He allows me to grieve when I need to – over friends I’ve lost, my mom, or even Luke – he’s sat with me on the floor of our apartment when I had a much-needed crying session. He’s great.

And he’s totally unexpected.

He came into my life the summer that Luke left and my mom was diagnosed. It was the perfect storm of a summer in my life. I was newly 21 and didn’t really know how to handle anything that life was throwing my way. But over that summer a friendship grew. We talked about traveling and dreams and what goals we wanted to accomplish in life. Over the years the friendship remained strong even when he was on the other side of the country. And then, to come full circle, on a summer night everything about our friendship changed. We crossed a barrier that couldn’t be uncrossed and my head was reeling.

I didn’t know what this meant.

I had some very torturous nights going back in forth in my head about my future self and my past self. I didn’t know what to do. And I didn’t want to leave Luke behind.

But as Michelle wrote, you don’t leave a love behind, “Once you love someone they stay with you forever as a piece of your soul.” Luke was, and always will be, a part of my soul. But Adam is a part of my future.

Adam and I have had many conversations about Luke and I’ve come to find that Adam has some fairly strong feelings about my past. He should. When Luke died I fell apart and, for someone who now loves me to have seen that, I’m sure it brings up some heated emotions. But Adam respects the role that Luke played in my life and, if these unexpected life events hadn’t played out the way they did, maybe there would never have been an “us.”

Years ago I sat with sweaty palms across the room from Luke’s mom to tell her about this new man in my life. I was so nervous. And she was so gracious. She was happy for me and I was a little taken aback. My mind went back to a conversation we had before I got my tattoo for Luke. During the period of my life when I had sworn off men and was sure I’d never love again. She warned me not to get it because I was young and I would fall in love again someday and maybe that person would be upset by my tattoo, but I explained to her that any man that was worthy of being in my life would understand the importance of Luke in my life and would understand the tattoo.

And he does.

I am moving forward in my life with fewer glances back as the days, months, and years pass. I’m more focused on my future now than I ever have been. I take time to reflect on the past every now and then and the people who have left my life cross my mind often but when that happens it’s in a positive way and I’m not pining to go back in time.

Life is unexpected. But so is love. My story is nothing like I thought it would be but I’m happy with where I’m at and how things have turned out. I fully believe that, without these life experiences, I wouldn’t be able to love as deeply as I can now.

And I wouldn’t trade that for the world.

Winter

 

“Is it worth it?”

Is it worth it? Those four words can have so much power behind them.

Is it worth it to travel across country, just because you want to? Is it worth it to go to college? To fall in love? To get a divorce? There are endless possibilities as to what could be worth it.

Last week, I met a woman who quickly turned into a friend and it was as though I’d known her for months instead of days. This woman was going through a major tribulation in her personal life and was at a loss as to what she was supposed to do now. This woman also happened to struggle with her diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder and Schizophrenia.

I was with this woman for six and a half days straight and we talked about everything we could think of. She told me about her husband and three girls, we talked about college, work, love, and the inevitable heartbreak that we’ve both had to endure in our lives. Of course, that brought up the death of my boyfriend and my mom and the highs and lows I’ve experienced because of the events life has thrown my way.

On the last day together, an hour before I was supposed to leave, this woman called me into her room. She sat down and with tears in her eyes she looked at me and asked those four words.

“Is it worth it?”

I didn’t know how to respond to that question. And even though I knew what she was talking about, I clarified.

“Life?” I responded. And after a few seconds passed, I added, “It really is.”

There have been many times in my life that I have asked myself that exact question. Is life worth the disappointment the heartbreak, the grieving? Is it worth giving up all of the highs for some of the lows?
I don’t think so.

Everyone is going to respond to this question differently, and honestly, I wasn’t sure how I would respond to it until I had no other choice but to reply.

There’s going to be many trials and difficulties in life, but trading all of the good for some of the bad isn’t worth it, either.

After the question was asked, I sat there talking to this woman about being on the other side of suicide and being on the other side of not having a mom. I explained the difficulties I have every day dealing with both of these.

Not every day is going to be perfect, and you’re going to have days that are much more trying than others. But you’re also going to have days that you stand in the sunshine and are so thankful to be alive. Life isn’t going to be easy, but I think that it is worth it.

World Suicide Prevention Day

“The number of lives lost each year through suicide exceeds the number of deaths due to homicide and war combined,” according to statistics released by the IASP.
Today marks the 10th anniversary of World Suicide Prevention Day. For the past ten years, the International Association for Suicide Prevention along with many other organizations, have dedicated their time and work to educating others on this topic, in hopes of saving lives and preventing the numbers from rising.

The World Health Organization estimates that nearly one million people worldwide die by suicide each year; over the span of a year, that amounts to one death every 40 seconds. It is also one of the leading causes of death among young people. Suicide is estimated to be under-reported for many reasons, one of them including the stigma surrounding the topic in societies across the world.

Suicide is preventable. In many cases, those who take their own lives have never sought out medical help or shared their feelings with family or friends. Many people who commit suicide have attempted before.

The effects that suicide has on family and friends of the loved one are immeasurable and can have detrimental effects on those left behind. Today, I ask you to reach out to someone. Tell them how much they mean to you, be willing to open up your eyes and listen to what people around you are telling you.

Tonight, at 8 pm, I ask you to light a candle near a window in your home, apartment, or bedroom. This candle signifies your support of suicide prevention. It also honors surivors of suicide and is a way to remember those who have lost their lives to suicide.

Today is simply one day out of the year to show your support. Speak up. Open up. Save a life.